Just about nothing and about everything

Its Sunday already. At least yesterday (SAT) I didn't have to work esp it being the 3rd sat of the month. Gosh for the past 8.5 years , I never did have to worry about which Sat i had to be at work. This sucks. I am looking forward to another job that can give me the 5 days effect man. This sucks.

Anyways, my anxiety is still high, it can't seem to be able to be calmed down. Its just rising higher and higher and even taking naps in the afternoon seems fruitless.

I went for a healing session at Chris's house last thursday. My sis-in-law was there too. There is this one indian lady who is really really gifted. She has the gift of being able to see what is happenning and also get messages from Holy Spirit during the praying over. But too bad, my turn came only at 11+pm when she had already gone home. Anyways, there is another lady who has about the same gift but just that hers is not usually as long and detailed as the Indian lady's.

I was told by this other lady that "You have asked and Have been Given, Now seek and you will find" Wow.... so makes me think now or rather for a few days now. Do I know exactly what I am seeking for? I asked for a job and I got it. I didn't ask for this Managerial job which i told the guy too - the one who was praying over me. But he said then this is the one for you. But even after the healing session, I myself am not sure. I wasn't able to sleep that nite too. I saw the sacred heart of Jesus during my rest in the spirit. Very far far away at the right hand corner and I told the team there. Chris says that " Bring Him closer". He also mentioned that i have lack of faith.

I guess my spiritual life has been a roller coaster on and off. Sometimes I am at the higher level of spirituality, but sometimes, I am just at the lowest point.

Today I kept pondering on the "Seek and You shall find" statement. I talked to my sister about it, she said maybe this job isn't for you. But you asked and have been given, now you need to open your eyes to find what is there and you will find it. But I dont' know why, i have this faint feeling in my heart that I am seeking for my direction in life. This job doesn't feel like one that would make me happy - as in like i feel alive kinda feeling. Maybe I am asking for too much. I certainly don't know.

I want to be healed of this sickness in me. The sickness that is running through my thoughts and my life. But what do I need to do to attain that. I am pretty much very tired. Extremely tired and maybe that is why I feel like totally giving up.

" Ask and You shall be given, Seek and You shall find, knock and the door will be opened for you"

I need to find my direction in this life...